so today i decided to throw away all my desires to be a social media influencer because my impulsive behavior got me removing most of my instagram followers, it feels liberating, in a way.

the moon is really big right now, there was also an eclipse earlier tonight. i don't know if it just me but it kinda makes me feel extra jumpy. i swear to god, the energy is just overwhelming. yall should make research about a lunar energy-induced manic episode.

what the fuck why tf i be drowning in debt? bitch.

2021, especially this month has been crazy for me. Funny that I used to think the last couple of year (2019-2020) is my rock bottom but 2021 comes and hit me like a fucking metra train. It is overwhelming and I am in no way prepared for this, bro. I am not.

The last couple of years was real shit. I experienced my first heartbreak, got dropped out of school but I guess it was alright, I still have people who were dealing with tougher shit so I can feel better.

This year was different, same shitty year but I have no people with me. I don't have people to invalidate my anxiety.

This might be the year where I have to grow the fuck up and accept that people have their own business to do because they are adults but I don't feel like it.

I don't feel like growing up.

They said that this condition that I am having right now is the norm. That I have to feel like this to advance, to progress, to become a fucking adult. But I can't agree with that, I don't want that shit.

I still want to experience living without responsibility while smoking my pack of cigarettes with these awful people in the coffee shop that is now closing down because they can't pay the rent. I still want to fuck around with my ex while smoking illegal substances. I still want to go on a long ass ride with my scooter to random places.

Then other thoughts come sinking in.

"You have to grow up." "Think about your mom." "How's college? Are you sure you won't fail it this time if you keep living like this?" "Don't you want to have a stable job and be financially independent?"

Oh boy, life is a pain in the ass indeed.